Angst, Animosity, and Alliteration Argh!
by Electryone
Summary: Parodies cliches that are often found in the HP fandom. The gang is in their seventh year, preparing for the Halloween Ball. Mary Sue joins the cast and is hated by nearly everyone. HPRW, GWDM, HGSS
1. Hermione's Headaches

Author's Note: This idea came to me after reading one too many Mary Sue stories (and having one too many drinks). It was originally going to be a plotless parody fic, but somewhere along the way, a plot kind of developed (although it's quite weak), in addition to an utterly random title. Please let me know what you think! 

Disclaimer: These aren't my characters, obviously, they're mostly from J.K. Rowling. Serena Malfoy isn't really my character either. She's more the embodiment of all of the bad Mary Sue clichés that I've read. 

**Angst, Animosity, and Alliteration—Argh! **

**Chapter 1: Hermione's Headaches**

Hermione sat in her compartment on the Hogwarts Express, tapping her foot impatiently. She sighed loudly. No response. Then she cleared her throat. Still no response. Then she coughed. No response again. Finally she changed her coughs so it sounded like she was choking.

"Are you okay, 'Mione?" Ron said, finally breaking away from Harry long enough to look at her. The two of them had spent the past five minutes—from the moment they stepped on the train—making out. He was still practically on top of Harry. 

"Yes, I'm just wonderful!" she said sarcastically. 

Harry stared at her, glasses askew and hair tousled. He moved a bit further away from Ron, seeming to realize for the first time that she was there. "Are you sure?" he asked skeptically. Not that he had any clue what was going on with Hermione. He shrugged, then turned back to Ron, who was gazing at him hungrily. However, any thoughts they might have had about continuing where they left off were disturbed. 

"Hi," a girl's voice said. "Can I sit with you guys? All of the other compartments are full." Harry, Ron, and Hermione turned towards the new girl. She had violet eyes and long and flowing red hair with blonde streaks that went past her waist. Hermione was sure that all of that hair was a pain in the neck to take care of. The girl wore a sparkly purple halter top and a black mini skirt, with heels that looked like they would give her horrible blisters. In fact, the entire outfit looked painful. Her enormous breasts barely fit into her top, and the skirt looked like it was about five sizes too small.

Hermione looked at Harry and Ron, who shrugged. "Sure, go ahead," she said gesturing to the seat next to her. However, rather than sitting next to Hermione on the open bench, the girl crammed in between Harry and Ron.

 "Wow, I can't believe all of the hot guys at this school!" the girl exclaimed in a bubbly voice, batting her eyes first at Harry, then at Ron. Both looked unhappy. "I'm Serena Malfoy, by the way."

"_Malfoy?_" Ron spat out. "I thought that Malfoy was an only child!"

Serena rolled her eyes. "I'm Draco's long lost twin sister who just transferred here from America, of course! Isn't it obvious that I'm related to Draco?"

"Well, you don't look much like him," Hermione said. 

Serena gave Hermione her most evil glare. "So? What's your point?"

Turning to Harry, Serena put a flirtatious expression on her face. "What's your name?" 

"I'm Harry Potter, and they are Ron Weasley and Hermione Granger, my two best friends."

Hermione almost threw up when Serena batted her abnormally long eyelashes again. "It's nice to meet you, Harry and Ron." She just frowned in Hermione's direction. Harry and Ron both looked like they wanted to run away and Hermione wanted to do the same.

"Er, I'm going to go look for…Ginny!" she said. 

"Me too!" Harry said. 

"Same with me!" Ron told them.

The three of them stood up at the same time, all heading towards the door. Ron tripped on his way out and Harry accidentally elbowed Hermione in the ribs before the two of them reached the door. "Ouch!" It hurt, but it was a small price to pay to be away from that girl. Serena scowled at all of them and put on a set of headphones. 

"Is it just me, or have there been an abnormal number of American transfer students named Serena this year?" Harry asked. Ron and Hermione both nodded, disgusted looks on their faces. 

"First there was Serena Black, then there was Serena Lupin, followed by Serena Riddle," Hermione said. Then she smirked at Ron and Harry. "Wouldn't it be funny if there was a Serena Potter or a Serena Weasley?"

_"Hermione!" _both of them yelled, looking disgusted.__

Hermione apologized to them right as Blaise Zabini, the sluttiest male in all of Slytherin—no, all of Hogwarts—passed by them. 

"Hey, Zabini!" Ron shouted at him. "There's a lonely girl who has really big boobs! She's in this compartment right here." He said, pointing to the place they just left.

"Really?" Blaise asked distrustfully, looking as though he didn't believe them. But, he went inside the door. "Well, hello," they heard him say as he slammed the door behind himself.

"What did you do that for, Ron? Do you really think we should be encouraging him?" Hermione hissed.

Ron shrugged. "The rest of the compartments are full. We have to find a place somehow. Maybe if we can lure people out of their seats, we can steal them!" 

"Ron, you're bloody brilliant!" Harry said. A pompous look formed on Ron's face.

But, before he could answer, the door crashed open and Blaise came rushing out. "I can't believe you didn't tell me about how psycho that chick was!"

Hermione rolled her eyes. "Let me guess, she refused to succumb to your seductive personality," she retorted dryly.

Blaise smirked at her. "Of course not! I got in there, and we began snogging. It was all going as planned. Until…" He shuddered. "...Until I realized that _she was listening to Christina Aguilera!"_

Hermione gave a horrified gasp and Blaise ran away. "I'm not going back in there!" she told Ron and Harry. They nodded in agreement.

"Hermione, the prefect's car!" Harry suddenly said. "I know that I am ONCE AGAIN NOT A PREFECT, but maybe the two of you can go back there while I rot away up here by myself," he said bitterly.

"Or you can just come with us and sit on my lap," Ron told him. 

"Okay," Harry said as he pulled Ron close for another long and passionate kiss, while Hermione left for the prefect's area nearly at a run. In fact, it was nearly time for the Prefect's meeting anyway. As Head Girl, it was Hermione's duty to preside over it. Well, in addition to Draco Malfoy, the Head Boy. 

"Hey, Malfoy!" she yelled when she entered the compartment. He and the rest of the prefects—except for Ron—were already waiting.

 "You're late, Mudblood!" Draco Malfoy said with a sneer.

Ginny Weasley stood up. "Hey, don't call her that!" 

"What's the matter, Granger? Your ugly boyfriend Weasley isn't here to stand up for you, so Potter's girlfriend is doing it instead?" he taunted.

Hermione rolled her eyes. "You're an idiot, Malfoy. Who would be crazy enough to make you Head Boy?" How dense could he be? The entire school knew that Harry and Ron were together. She changed the subject. "Malfoy, I ran into your long lost twin sister."

Draco shuddered. "I _told_ her to stop telling people that she was related to me! I don't like having her around to tarnish the Malfoy name, and neither does Father. That's why we sent her all the way to America!" 

Harry and Ron finally walked in. Ron took his seat next to Ginny, Harry on Ron's lap. 

Hermione began, "It's time to call this meeting to order. We'll make it quick so you can all get back to—"

"There's something that needs to be discussed first!" Draco interjected, standing up. "Why is Potter sitting on Weasley's lap?"

"Malfoy, as Head Boy, you should know not to interrupt the meeting when you have nothing of relevance to say," Hermione stated.

"But… Potter… Weasley… What the hell—"

_"Silencio!"_ Ginny Weasley said, pointing her wand at him. He began jumping up and down in anger, ready to hex her. "Don't tempt me to use a body binding curse, Malfoy!" she snarled at him. Draco sat back down, annoyed. 

"Thank you Ginny, five points to Gryffindor," Hermione said. 

At this, Draco stood up, an angry look on his face. Ginny grabbed his arm, muttering something that sounded like "Bat-Bogey Hex". Draco sat down again, pouting with his arms crossed. 

It was annoying for Hermione to watch Malfoy glaring at Ginny throughout the entire meeting. And Ginny was glaring back! The two of them spent the duration of Hermione's speech—which she had worked on for a long time—having a staring contest. She didn't think that either of them listened to a word she said.  

She gave Draco an irritated look. "Thank you, Malfoy, for letting me run the entire meeting by myself," she said sarcastically. He looked at her crossly, pointing to his mouth. 

"Oh, I had forgotten. _Finite Incantatum,_" Ginny Weasley said, pointing her wand in Draco Malfoy's direction, then putting it away. 

"Stupid Weasley brat!" he yelled at Ginny. "It figures that somebody as poor as you has no class at all!" Hermione rolled her eyes. He _seriously needed to work on his insults._

Ginny took out her wand again. "Don't make me do it, Malfoy!"

"What's going on in here?" Serena Malfoy was at the door. "Draco, is this girl being mean to you?" 

He grumbled. "Get lost. It's none of your business."

Suddenly Serena turned on Hermione. "I bet it's all your fault! You stupid bitch!" 

Hermione just stared at her, hoping her will was strong enough to keep herself from hexing the less intelligent. "You don't even know me! How come you automatically assume that I'm a bitch?"

Serena continued in a high-pitched voice. "Oh, I know you, all right! You're the type of girl who tries to make the boys look bad. Who thinks that she's smarter than them, and is always upstaging them. Well, I'll tell you something. You're never going to get a boyfriend like that! Boys will only like you if you pretend to be as stupid as possible!" Draco was hiding his face in his hands, muttering something. "Come on, Draco! Let's get away from this mudblood and her mudblood loving friends!" She glanced at Harry, who was still sitting on Ron's lap. "You can come too, Harry and Ron," she said in a voice that dripped with fake sweetness.

Serena stormed out of the room. She was back in a few seconds. "Well? Aren't any of you coming?"

"We, um, have some… prefect business!" Draco said and Harry and Ron nodded furiously. 

"I'll go with you!" Pansy Parkinson said. The two walked away, looking like they were best friends. Draco looked relieved. Pansy had been attempting to subject him—and anybody else who would listen—to her insipid chatter. 

It was quiet for a few seconds.

"Wow, Malfoy. Suddenly everything is beginning to make sense," Ginny said in amazement. h

She and Hermione watched as Draco sulked and left the room wordlessly. Probably going off to complain to his two goons, Hermione thought.

"So what did I miss during the meeting?" Ginny asked.

Hermione was about to scold her for spending more time staring at one of her worst enemies than paying attention, but decided not to. "I just talked about prefect patrols and the Halloween Ball." 

"There's a ball?! I have to find a dress! And a date!" Ginny said. 

Hermione sighed. She knew that Ginny would have no trouble finding a boy to go with her, but it was harder for Hermione. The only males who weren't intimidated by her were Harry and Ron. And they were gay. She frowned, not knowing what to do. She knew that once Dumbledore announced the ball at the Welcoming Feast, nobody in school would talk about anything else. And she didn't have anybody in mind as a date. Damn. This whole dance business was giving her a migraine.


	2. Draco's Decision

Author's Note: Thanks for the two reviews! If I were REALLY a Mary Sue author, I would write something like: 'if i dont get at least 10 reveiws, i'll stop riting!!!11' Thank goodness I'm not—I'd want to shoot myself. Even if I don't get any reviews, I'll continue—in fact, I already know what I'm going to put in the next chapter. **Jaded Roses: It's tempting to emulate the spelling and grammar of Mary Sue authors, but I think that I would probably go insane if I did that. And there is a plot developing, in addition to more Mary Sue bashing.****Yori-chan: Hehe… This chapter has less of Harry and Ron. As for why the Mary Sues come from America, it's because that's where the author is usually from (and it's easier to write a self-insertion if the character has a similar background to you). And _they're all named Serena! That's probably because of Sailor Moon. Oh, and I also have a soft spot for parodies! _**

**Angst, Animosity, and Alliteration—Argh!**

**Chapter 2: Draco's Decision**

Draco walked away from the Prefect's car, a frown on his face. Ginny Weasley was the most obnoxious Gryffindor he knew. And that was saying a lot, since Gryffindor also contained Potter, Ron Weasley, and Granger. However, ever since that damned Bat-Bogey Hex in his fifth year, he had been constantly trying to find ways to get back at her. He teased her more than usual, always trying to get her mad. It had become his new obsession. She had replaced Potter as his favorite person to torment. And it was NOT because she was cute when she was angry. Hell, Draco didn't even want to admit that, but it was always in the back of his mind whenever she was irritated at him. 

"You're back, Draco!" Serena cried when he entered the compartment where he had left Crabbe and Goyle. He had chased her away earlier, but now she was there, with Pansy Parkinson. 

"We missed you, Draco," Pansy said with a pathetic attempt at a flirtatious expression. Draco rolled his eyes. Serena Malfoy and Pansy Parkinson looked like they had the makings of a beautiful friendship. He didn't know which of the two was more annoying: his slutty and idiotic sister or the girl who refused to get a clue. 

He looked at Crabbe and Goyle. The two of them were stuffing their faces again. He didn't have the patience to deal with their gluttonous stupidity at the moment. "Crabbe! Goyle! Let's go!" 

"But Draco, I'm not finished with my—"

"Now!" Draco snapped, interrupting Goyle. 

His two goons stood up, mumbling incoherently. 

"I'll see you later, Vincent and Gregory," Serena said in a low, seductive voice. _Was she flirting with Crabbe and Goyle?_ Yuck. 

Both Crabbe and Goyle just grunted and followed Draco out of the compartment. "Why'd you wanna leave, Draco?" Crabbe asked.

"Honestly Crabbe, you and Goyle are the biggest idiots in the school," Draco said pointedly. "I'll give you a hint. We're starting a new year at Hogwarts. What do we _always_ do on the train to Hogwarts?"

"Find the new first-years and figure out which will be Slytherins?" Goyle suggested.

"Yes…and what else?" Draco asked, as though talking to a pair of five-year-old.

Crabbe piped up. "Torture the Hufflepuffs and Gryffindors!" 

"Yes, you morons. We've already been on this bloody train for an hour and haven't even begun. So let's get going!" Draco said, leading the way. Crabbe and Goyle scampered behind him, sniggering idiotically.

They spent the next hour doing just that. A few of the new kids were obviously going to be Slytherins. Draco knew a lot of them as being children of his father's friends and he welcomed them. There were a few who were questionable, so Draco just ignored them. The new students he liked the best were the scrawny and scared-looking ones. Most of them would probably end up in Hufflepuff. He was in a compartment with four of these ones, flanked by Crabbe and Goyle, when he felt a tap on his shoulder. He had just been telling the little Hufflepuff-wannabes that the detentions at Hogwarts consisted of trying to tame werewolves on the full moon, battling trolls in a locked dungeon, and ridding the Forbidden Forest of hinkypunks. He had been enjoying the terrified looks on their faces and was annoyed at the impudent person that interrupted him. 

Draco turned around and found himself staring down at Ginny Weasley. He put his hands on his hips. "What do you want, Weasley?" 

"Malfoy, the Head Boy should not be setting such a bad example for the rest of the students," she said snidely. 

"Five points from Gryffindor for you disrespect," he retorted. 

"You can't do that!" Weasley said, looking horrified. 

Draco smiled. He loved the expression on her face, especially since he was the one to put it there. "Oh yes I can. I _am the Head Boy, which is more than I can say about your stupid brother or boyfriend, Potter. I seem to remember your Mudblood friend giving you points, so now you're back to nothing." _

She crossed her arms angrily. "You're dumber than those two louts you always hang around with. Harry's not my boyfriend. Think about it, Malfoy," she said. 

Suddenly it struck him. So that was why Potter had been sitting on Weasley's lap! "Took you long enough to realize it," Weasley said with a smirk on her face.

"Hey! Do you want me to take more points off?" he said.

"I don't have anymore to lose and you can't give me negative points," she taunted. "And I think that I should teach you a lesson for being mean to those first-years," she added as she pulled out her wand, pointing it at him. However, he was just as quick, pulling his out at the exact same time. Each of them stared straight into the other's eyes, wands ready, neither wanting to be the first to look away. 

_"Expelliarmus!"_ yelled a voice behind them. Draco's wand flew from his hand, the force of the curse pushing him into Ginny. His body ended up on top of hers on the ground. He wasn't sure exactly how, since logic dictates that the curse would have pushed him _away_ from Ginny, but Draco chalked it up to stupidity on the part of the author. Because, as all Draco and Ginny shippers know, the two of them must "accidentally" end up on top of each other at least once in the story, no matter how peculiar the circumstances.

 Still not having moved, the two of them looked to see who had cast the curse. "Pansy Parkinson?" Ginny shrieked.

"What the hell do you think you're doing, you brainless girl?" Draco asked. 

Pansy's face was bright red with embarrassment. "I'm sorry, Draco. I think I need to work on my aim a little bit. I meant to hit _her!" She pointed at Ginny Weasley who was now laughing uncontrollably._

"Lovely, Malfoy. Here I was about to hex you, when your girlfriend came and did it instead!"

"She's not my girlfriend!" he snapped. Pansy looked upset when he said that. 

"At least she did the curse correctly!" Serena said. "I thought it was brilliant!"

"You would," Draco murmured softly enough so that only a giggling Ginny Weasley could hear him. He realized that he was still on top of her. Not that he minded. Er, wait… he did, at least he was supposed to. No matter how cute and spunky she was, she was still a stupid poor Weasley after all. Right?  He finally stood up. 

Then he spoke louder. "Pansy, please don't try to save me again—you're completely incompetent when it comes to curses," he said sternly. She pouted, then turned around and rushed away. 

"Hey, Draco, that was mean!" Serena cried.

"Oh, shut up, Mary Su—I mean, Serena!" Draco yelled back. He hated her with a passion, and wished that he could ship her away to Antarctica. Or anywhere far away from here.

"What did you call me?!" Her eyes changed to bright red. Draco briefly wondered how that was possible. Serena continued her rant. "I am NOT a Mary Sue! I bet you think that I'm a self-insertion, too! But I am nothing like the author! She has blonde hair and blue-grey eyes; my hair is red with streaks in it and my eyes are violet!! I look like some preteen girl's fantasy character and she just looks like a normal girl. We have nothing in common at all!"

Draco just stared at her, embarrassed that she was making a scene in front of Ginny Weasley, who was smirking. "This author person sounds like she has more of the Malfoy physical attributes than you," she said to Serena.

Serena gave her a mean look. "You're just jealous that I look like a supermodel and you don't." Then she stuck her tongue out at Ginny and ran after Pansy. 

"Wow, Malfoy, next to your sister, you almost seem pleasant," Ginny said. 

Draco felt like jumping up and down. She had complimented him! Well, in a backward sort of way. _Hey, wait a minute!_ he thought. It had actually been more of an insult! "If you had any house points, I would take them away from you!" he said with a frown. 

She sneered back at him, then looked down at his wand which somehow had ended up at her feet. Draco smirked when she picked it up and handed it to him. "Not going to curse me anymore, Weasley?" he asked smugly.

She gave him an innocent—and adorable—look. Draco ignored the way his body responded to it. "Parkinson took all the fun out of it. What's the point of hexing you when she can do it for me?" She gazed intensely into his eyes for a few heart-stopping moments, but then jumped back and turned around when the door to the compartment nearby slammed.

"Draco, why'd you leave?" Crabbe whined. "It's not fun to torment people without you there!" Draco rolled his eyes. He ignored the two dumb oafs, instead watching Ginny Weasley as she walked away. Quickly he snapped out of it. It was silly for him to be staring at that Weasley brat. She wasn't even _that_ beautiful. And she lived in poverty! Stupid girl. Well, not really stupid—Pansy had her beat in that department.

"Pansy told us that there's going to be a Halloween Ball. She thinks that you're going to ask her," Crabbe told him, snickering. 

"Since when do you care about dances?" Draco asked derisively. 

"They always have good food at those things," Goyle responded.

Idiots! However, this led him to thinking about the Halloween Ball. Why were they even having a ball? It wasn't like there was anything big going on this year, like the Triwizard tournament three years earlier. It was probably some ludicrous conspiracy created by American transfer students, who expected to go to dances every month.

So who would he go with? He momentarily wondered what it would be like to have Ginny Weasley as his date. No, that was a bad idea. Of course, anyone was better than horrible Pansy… 

He thought again about her red hair and how cute she looked when she was angry. "Crabbe, Goyle, I've decided! I'm going to have Ginny Weasley as my date for the Ball!"

Goyle gave him a stupid look. "Guh? Draco, she's a Weasley!"

Crabbe had an equally idiotic expression on his face. "Her family is so poor! I think that—"

"You're not here to think!" Draco interrupted, annoyed. "You're here to follow me around, making monosyllabic comments that sound like gibberish. Your purpose is to act like dolts, not to offer your opinion! Do I make myself clear?" He gave both of them an angry look.

"Erg," Crabbe assented. 

"Arb," said Goyle.

"I have no clue what the hell either of you are saying." He nodded, pleased. "Excellent, that's exactly the way you're supposed to be acting. And don't let me hear you making sense again!" The two of them looked at him vacuously. 

"Okay, I have a really good, no-fail plan. Rather than treating her kindly and being romantic, I'll be as rude as possible, and insult everything about her! She'll fall in love with me instantly!"

Goyle opened his mouth, about to say something. Crabbe elbowed him, shaking his head. Goyle rethought his remark. "Heh heh, good idea, Draco," he said stupidly.

"It is, isn't it?" Draco replied, satisfied with himself. He rushed off in search of Ginny Weasley, ready to implement his strategy.

Author's Note—Inspirations: The Mary Sue tantrum in the middle was inspired by an author whose story I once reviewed, politely saying that her character was a Mary Sue (which is something I'm _never doing again—authors who write Mary Sues just don't want listen to criticism!)._

The word, 'guh', comes from two of my dear male friends who remind me of Harry and Ron. Especially when Harry and Ron are making out with each other…


	3. Serena's Sorting, Sirius's Surprise

Author's Notes: It's weird, but I get much more satisfaction out of writing this fic than my others (despite the fact that the other ones get more reviews-go figure). I should be asleep since I work tomorrow, but I'd much rather finish up this chapter. Thanks to my reviewers (this time there were five instead of two—yay, but at least it's easy to respond when there's so few)! **Crystal****: hehe, I almost feel sorry for poor Crabbe and Goyle sometimes—I don't think they've ever done anything intelligent in canon or fanon. **JadedRoses******: I actually did a search for that fic, but couldn't find it (in addition to kind of forgetting the name of the author and the title). It's a Draco/Ginny fic, which is actually somewhat well written. And the author's first chapter is devoted to long author's notes and responses (or flames in my case) to her reviewers. I don't know if you've ever seen the Pottersues livejournal, but if you haven't, you probably would like it a lot (just go to livejournal.com and look under user pottersues). **Taya******: Thanks! I always love your stories too. **DenimJeans******: I'm sure there are some Australian transfers out there; however, there's probably more that are American. Oh, and I think it'll be from Ginny's POV next chapter! ****QueenDitz****: I agree-Draco/Ginny and Hermione/Severus are the two best couples! **

**Angst, Animosity, and Alliteration—Argh!**

**Chapter 3: Serena's Sorting, Sirius's Surprise**

Serena stepped off of the Hogwarts Express, following Pansy Parkinson, who she considered to be the only sane person at the whole damned school. Honestly, all of the people here were so vile! She had expected everyone to immediately fall in love with her because of her good looks, extreme intelligence, and excellent magical skills. But none of them seemed even remotely impressed. Except Pansy, of course. At least she would have one follower—hopefully more would be added later on. 

They arrived at the castle and Serena waited with a group of bratty little kids for what would be her Sorting. An old hat sang a stupid song. Afterward, it called her name. Good, I get to go first, she thought. If the brats had been put before her, she would have had a tantrum. For she _was_ the most important person here. 

She walked up to the stool in the front and picked up the Sorting Hat. She looked at it incredulously. 

"Do I have to put this dirty and disgusting thing on?" she asked in her meanest voice. The teacher nearest to her nodded. "But it'll mess up my hair!" she whined. 

She glanced around and, realizing that there was no other way, put on the hat with a frown. The Sorting Hat began. "You don't have the brains of a Ravenclaw, nor do you have the courage of a Gryffindor."

"What?! How dare you insult me?!" 

The Sorting Hat ignored her. "I'm having trouble deciding. You're a Malfoy, and there has never been a Malfoy in any house other than Slytherin. However, you might make a good Hufflepuff…"

Now she was getting really angry. "Put me in Slytherin _now, you stupid hat! Or I'll light you on fire! Or do something else horrible to you!"_

"Okay, okay," the Sorting Hat said. "SLYTHERIN!"

Pansy Parkinson began clapping furiously, as did the Slytherin students who hadn't yet met Serena. Pleased, she sat down next to Pansy. Draco was pretending that both of them didn't exist. What a meanie, she thought, pouting. 

When the feast began, she started trying to find boys. She had been at the school for several hours and still had not yet found her one true love. She had expected to meet him on the train, because she _knew that a girl like her usually met the love of her life within the first few minutes of transferring and fell in love with him immediately. It's already Chapter 3, she thought, and I still haven't met my soul mate! What was the world coming to?_

However, she knew it was only a matter of time before all of the guys at school started throwing themselves at her feet. And she would know her one true love the moment she set eyes on him. He would be absolutely gorgeous, and devoted only to her. 

Serena sighed. "What's wrong?" Pansy asked. 

"I'm already seventeen, and I still haven't met the love of my life! I'm going to be single forever!" Serena exclaimed dramatically. 

"Don't worry, we'll find your true love! And then I'll marry Draco and we'll be sisters!" Pansy told her.

"Oh, Pansy," Serena said, "you're the best friend a girl can have!" Neither of them noticed the retching noises coming from their housemates.

************

Albus Dumbledore stood in the front of the Great Hall. "I would like to introduce our newest Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher, Professor Sirius Black. He may be a convicted felon who was killed over a year ago, but I expect him to be one of our best teachers yet. I hope you will all make him feel welcome."

The students began clapping, and Sirius gave them his most gorgeous smile. A lot of the girls began whispering and giggling. 

Harry Potter and Ron Weasley approached the High Table. "Sirius… I-I thought you were dead!" Harry said, obviously confused.

He grinned at Harry. "I was. But the idiotic author decided that she wanted me alive because she thinks I'm sexy. So, here I am with no explanation as to why I'm not dead!"

"Wicked!" Ron said. 

Harry rolled his eyes. "Ron, you have GOT to stop using that word. It's SO second year!"

"Sorry, Harry, it became my catchphrase because of that that damn movie!"

"What movie?" Harry asked.

Ron gave him a strange look. "Er… I don't know why I said that. What's a movie?"

The two of them looked at each other again and shrugged. This was followed by a makeout session in the middle of the Great Hall.

Sirius cleared his throat, which neither of them paid attention to. They did, however, pull apart when Snape yelled out, "Fifty points from Gryffindor for lewd behavior in public!"

Harry and Ron gave their housemates a sheepish grin. "Sorry," Harry told them.

"We forgot that we weren't alone," Ron added.

Harry turned back to Sirius. "So what have you been doing over the past year?"

"Mainly fending off annoying teenage girls who claim to be my long lost daughters. And there were also a few who just wanted to shag me. They all seem to think that I'm some sort of sex god, despite the fact that I spent my prime in Azkaban Prison, where I remained celibate.

"You know who's _really_ a sex god?" Harry asked excitedly.

"Ron?" Sirius guessed. 

Harry frowned, seeming upset that Sirius knew immediately who he was talking about. "Have you been practicing Legilimency?" he asked.

They were interrupted by a loud voice. "OMG! OMG!" 

"Oh no, it's Malfoy's sister!" Harry said. 

"Did she just say O.M.G.? What the bloody hell is that?" Ron asked. 

Harry shrugged. "Must be some American term."

The girl rushed closer to them and came up to Sirius. "OMG!" she said again. "It's my soul mate! The love of my life!" 

Pansy Parkinson came up behind her. "But Serena, he's a teacher who's twenty years older than you! And he used to be in Azkaban Prison. And…" She paused, a disgusted expression on her face. "He's a Gryffindor!"

Serena looked at Pansy. "As my new bestest friend ever, you of all people should understand!" she cried. "All that stuff doesn't matter. Our love will prevail!"

Parkinson nodded stupidly. Satisfied, Serena spoke again to her. "Watch me _amaze_ him with my fluency in French!" Turning back to Sirius, she said, "Te êtes ma vrai aiment. That means 'you are my true love'!" 

"Wow, you're so smart!" Pansy Parkinson said. 

Sirius attempted to control his sudden urge to vomit. "I'm sorry to tell you this, but I think you've made some sort of mistake."

The girl looked disappointed. "Oh," she said. "If you were _really the guy I was supposed to end up with, you would already be declaring your undying love for me." She looked downcast._

Suddenly she brightened and turned to Parkinson. "Maybe this is going to be one of those stories where the girl and the guy secretly love each other, but start off as being worst enemies! Yes, that must be it!" She turned back to Sirius. "You're the most arrogant person I've ever met, Sirius Black! I hate your guts!"

"How was that?" she whispered to Pansy Parkinson. Parkinson nodded in approval.

Yuck! Sirius shuddered. "Why do they keep doing that?" he asked the person closest to him, who happened to be Severus. 

Severus growled at him. "Don't ask me! I'm just an overgrown bat with billowing robes who's also an ex-Deatheater. Nobody loves me! I might as well let them kill me the next time I go to the Dark Revels!"

"Shut up, Snivellus," Sirius stated. "Nobody cares what you have to say."

 Severus stood up. "Fine! I'll just go to my dungeons and sulk!" Then he stormed off. 

"You boys should get going," Sirius told Harry and Ron. Hermione was already beginning to round up the first years to take them to Gryffindor Tower.

"Oh yeah, prefect duty," Ron murmured.

Harry looked at Sirius. "How come Ron gets to be a prefect and I don't?" he whined.

"Harry, you're seventeen years old. Nobody wants to hear your complaining," Sirius said to him loudly. After a few furtive glances to make sure no other teachers were listening, he lowered his voice. "Trust me, it's more fun to play pranks on Slytherins if you're not supposed to be setting a good example for others."

"Wow, Sirius," Harry said, his eyes tearing up. "Having you here is like having a really cool dad who likes to play cruel and unusual practical jokes on others!" Sirius smiled and nodded arrogantly. Harry continued. "I'm so happy you're alive! Even if it's only because the author wants to fulfill her fantasies by creating a glorified version of herself who claims to be your soul mate!"

"Don't worry, Harry! I would be a terrible wizard if I couldn't get rid of one silly fangirl. If an idiot like Gilderoy Lockhart can handle stuff like that, so can I!"  

"Wow, Sirius, you're so cool!" Harry said giving him a starry-eyed gaze. "I wish I could be just like you!" He paused for a moment. "Well, without the whole mean and arrogant thing." He paused again. "And also without spending twelve years in prison." Another pause. "And you're straight, so I can't imagine you dating Ron, so I don't want that either." After a few more moments, he spoke again. "Actually, Sirius, I don't really want to be anything like you… but you're still cooler than anybody else I know! Except Ron, of course," he said with a grin in Ron's direction. Ron gazed into his eyes intently. 

Sirius decided to put a stop to things before the two of them ended up snogging in front of everyone _again_. "Okay boys, why don't you go up to Gryffindor Tower," he practically yelled. "Your housemates are waiting!"

Harry and Ron scrambled away quickly after Hermione and the rest of their house. 

Ah, to be seventeen again! Sirius thought with a nostalgic sigh. He was so happy to be back at Hogwarts—it was more of a home than anywhere else he had ever lived. Of course, the majority of his life had been spent living in either Azkaban Prison or 12 Grimmauld Place, which were both rather horrible places. And the fact that he was alive wasn't really a bad thing. Of course, a _reason_ for not being dead anymore would have been nice… but Sirius didn't expect to get that lucky. It wasn't like bad Mary Sue authors actually did things that made sense. 

Another Author's Note: For those of you who don't speak French, the phrase used above ("Te êtes ma vrai aiment") is the most horrid sentence I've ever laid eyes on (and I've seen some pretty bad French). I just looked up each word individually and took the first word at an online translation site. One thing I've noticed about terrible Mary Sues is that when an author claims their character is "fluent" in French, it means that the author has access to an online translator, but no real knowledge of the language.


	4. Ginny's Genius

Author's Note: It was really tough to find a good word that started with 'G' for this chapter. Oh well. Thanks to everybody who has written reviews—they're very enjoyable to read. I'd write responses to them, but it's kind of late and I have classes tomorrow (they started a week ago, which is my excuse for long waits for updates). 

**Angst, Animosity, and Alliteration—Argh!**

**Chapter 4: Ginny's Genius**

Ginny gave several furtive glances in both directions as she stepped out of her Potions class. Good, he wasn't there. For the past month, Draco Malfoy had been seeking her out—and taunting her mercilessly. She didn't know what had caused the sudden increase in childish teasing, but whatever it was had begun to irritate her. Especially because he had been so persistent. Ginny had practiced several hexes on him, yet he still didn't let up. 

"Hey, Weasley!" a voice said behind her.

Damn! "What do you want, Malfoy?" she asked, glaring at him. 

"Nothing, _Weasel_!" 

"Ferret!"

"Ooh, now that's clever," he said sarcastically. 

"It's more clever than 'weasel'!" Ginny yelled back at him. The two of them traded insults back and forth for a few minutes. Finally Ginny yelled, "you're so immature!"

"No, _you_ are!" Draco yelled at her.

"You are!" Ginny practically screamed. 

"You both are," an annoyed voice behind them said. Ginny turned to see Professor Snape standing behind them. "Thirty points from Gryffindor and a detention for both of you for arguing in the corridors. Be in my office at 8pm tonight."

After he left, Draco pointed at her and laughed. "Ha ha, you have detention! And you lost points!" He then started making uncreative comments about how poor she was, how filthy she was, etc. She ignored him.

Ginny walked away in silence, a frown on her face. He was so annoying! So was Professor Snape, the most unfair teacher in the entire school.

All through dinner, Ginny felt herself dreading her detention. She arrived at the door to Professor Snape's office right before her detention was about to start. Draco Malfoy was standing outside, peering into a crack in the door. 

"What are you doing, Malfoy?" she demanded.

"Shh…" He pointed inside. Ginny nearly giggled at the scene that met her eyes. Serena Malfoy was sitting atop Professor Snape's desk, wearing a very revealing top, a miniskirt, and—of course—fishnet stockings. Snape looked extremely angry, and also quite uncomfortable.

"Miss Malfoy, I insist that you stop this immediately." He was backed against the wall. "Two weeks of detention for you!"

"With you, Professor?" she asked innocently.

"No! With Professor McGonagall!"

Serena pouted. "That's not fair! Can you at least make it with a boy?" 

"Absolutely not! Now get out of my office!"

"You know my father's one of the most powerful men in all of Britain. I'm gonna tell him about this!" 

Draco turned to Ginny and whispered, "Father hates it when she acknowledges that he's related to her." Serena rushed by them. Draco raised his voice to normal. "Hey, I thought that you were after Sirius Black! Why are you trying to seduce Professor Snape?"

Serena looked at him, sulking. "Professor Black doesn't know that he's my true love yet. I need to find somebody else to make him jealous! That's what I was using Snape for."

She left and Ginny muttered, "Wow, she makes Loony Lovegood seem normal."

Draco suddenly slipped into tortured soul mode. "I know! Why is my life so unfair?! Why can't I have an ordinary family? I have a Death Eater for a dad, and a Mary Sue for a sister! My mother's the most normal one, even though she belongs in St. Mungo's psychiatric ward!"

This was followed by an introspective silence. Ginny suddenly realized that she was seeing a new side of Draco. He's not so bad after all, she thought.

"Malfoy! Weasley! Are you two going to spend all night loitering in the hall? Get in my office!" Professor Snape said. He didn't look happy. Ginny tried not to snicker at the thought of Malfoy's sister trying to seduce him. 

Finally, Snape was gone, leaving the two of them to wash cauldrons. He had taken away their wands so that they couldn't use magic. Draco spent the next few minutes whining about cleaning while doing no real work. Ginny had already begun trying to clean. "Are you just going to let me do everything myself?" she asked. He nodded. "You're such a bastard, Malfoy!" Ginny scowled. Just when she thought that he was actually a decent person…

"Well, you have a lot experience with doing house-elf work and I don't," he told her.

"Why you—" 

"Draco!" a shrill voice called. 

Draco groaned. "Pansy, what are you doing here?"

She put her hands on her hips. "I have no purpose except to act like a simpering fool who hates seeing you with any girl besides me! What do you think I'm doing here?" He shrugged. "I'm supervising you. It's my duty to make sure this girl doesn't try to make any moves on you."

Ginny sniggered. What an idiot. "Don't worry, Parkinson. I'm not interested in stealing your man. In fact, why don't you just take him away? I'm rather serve my detention alone."

"NO!" Draco said. "I want to do detention! I'll clean out the cauldrons!" He began furiously scrubbing. Pansy Parkinson left angrily. Ginny grinned to herself. Not only had she gotten rid of Parkinson, but she had also gotten Draco to do some work. 

After he had finished two cauldrons (in the time it took for her to do five), Ginny realized that he wasn't working, but was staring at her instead. "Why are you looking at me?" 

"Because it's fun to watch you work," he said in his infamous lazy, drawling voice. 

"I should hex you again," she murmured. 

"I'd like to see you try," he retorted. He walked closer to her, causing her to back up against the wall behind her. Ginny reached into her pocket for her wand, only then realizing that Professor Snape had it.

Suddenly Draco was so close to her that they were practically touching. And she couldn't move any further back. "Malfoy, what—" He cut her off with a kiss. Ginny eagerly pulled him closer to her, kissing him back. Why was she doing this? It wasn't like they had actually gotten to know each other or anything.

Who cares, she thought. He was a good kisser. The two of them began fervently kissing until Snape came back into the room. "I see that the two of you have had a productive detention," he remarked snidely. Half of the cauldrons were still not cleaned. "Another night of detention for you both and another fifty points from Gryffindor," he said sharply, then forced them to finish washing. 

After they were done, Snape dismissed them. "Hey Draco," Ginny said. "I'm looking forward to tomorrow night's detention." She smirked at him, then turned to walk away. 

"Ginny!" he said. She turned. "Would you go to the Halloween Ball with me?"

Ginny smiled at him. "Sure, I'd love to." Then she skipped back to her dorm.

Hermione, Harry and Ron were all waiting for her in the Gryffindor common room. 

"How was your detention?" Hermione asked her.

"It was good," she answered.

"Good? How can detention with Snape be good?" Ron demanded.

Ginny mumbled something unintelligibly. They all looked confused. "What did you say?" Harry asked. 

She sighed. "I'm going to the Halloween Ball with Draco Malfoy."

"You have a date? You're so lucky!" Hermione told her, looking envious.

Ron shrugged then turned back to Harry. After a few moments Harry gave him a strange look. "Er, Ron…"

"What?"

"Um, shouldn't you be having an outburst right now?" Harry asked him.

"Oh, I had almost forgotten," Ron answered. "Thanks for the reminder, Harry." Then he turned to Ginny, his eyes blazing with anger. "How can you go to the dance with Malfoy? He's always treated us so terribly! He constantly calls Hermione a mudblood. _Are you insane?"_

Ginny realized that this was her cue to run out of the room crying, so she did just that. Hermione followed her. "Are you okay?" she asked Ginny. 

Ginny nodded. "Ron can be such a git sometimes, though." 

"I know," Hermione told her, "but it's only because he cares about you. And at least you have somebody to go with." 

"Don't worry, Hermione," Ginny said. "I'll help you get a date!" Then she stood up, practically jumping up and down. "_I'm going to give you a makeover!"_

"A makeover? I don't know if that's such a good idea, Ginny…"

"Of course it's a good idea!" 

Ginny decided to execute her plan the next day. She went through Hermione's room to search for suitable clothes for Hermione to wear for her "new look". Who cared about the school dress code? This was serious! 

Ginny spent the next two hours putting makeup on Hermione, and finding outfits for her. She was lucky that her Transfiguration skills were good enough to change Hermione's conservative wardrobe into one that would make the boys' heads turn. 

Finally they finished. Hermione was wearing a miniskirt and a tube top that had a push-up bra underneath. She was showing a lot of skin. Ginny had put a heavy amount of makeup on her face.

"Ginny, I look like a cheap hooker," Hermione told her. 

"You do not. Now all we need is a guy for you! But who…?" Ginny decided to ask Draco about it. She waited for him outside of his last class, Defense Against the Dark Arts, to ask him about it.

"Draco, we need to find a date for Hermione for the Halloween Ball." He pondered it for awhile.

After a few moments, he spoke. "All of the seventh-year boys are intimidated by her, and the younger ones are even worse. So it would have to be somebody a little older…"

"I've got it!" Ginny suddenly said.

The two of them looked at each other and smiled. Then, at the exact same time, they said, "_Professor Snape!"_

This was followed by a long and passionate makeout session. "Now I know why Harry and Ron are like this all the time," Ginny said with a grin. After a few more minutes of kissing, they stopped. 

"Okay, onto our plan. We need to somehow get Snape to see 'The New Hermione' and realize that they're meant to be together. How should we do that?" Ginny asked.

"We can somehow trick her into coming to our detention!" Draco said with a grin. "And while we're doing our work, he'll ask her to the dance."

"Are you sure he'll be interested in her?" Ginny asked.

"Of course. He's desperate for an intelligent woman since the only ones who ever go after him are idiots." He smiled at her. They both knew that their plan was excellent.

"Draco, I just have one more question for you." Ginny paused. "Are you a Death Eater?"

"I was going to become one. But now that I've realized my feelings for you, I will not only disobey my father, but will also alienate myself from my peers and swear off evil forever!" 

"Oh Draco, you're so romantic!" Ginny said with a grin. Hand in hand, they walked down the corridor, excited about their detention that evening.


End file.
